Sarah Congress is an award-winning playwright and screenwriter. Her full-length comedy Big Yikes! was produced January 12, 2025 at the UP Theatre for their Dead of Winter Reading Series. Congress is currently 1 of 25 writers selected by Town Square Productions to work on the project Uncovered Scenes - From Ukraine. She co-wrote the screenplay I Can't Hear You, which won BEST COMEDY in the 2024 Jersey Shore Film Festival. Her play Overdose won 2nd place for BEST SHORT in the 2023 Downtown Urban Arts Festival. She teaches playwriting and screenwriting and works part-time for the Dean's Office at Columbia University, School of the Arts. Learn more about Sarah here: https://sarahcongress.com/

Melting

Kettlebells, cake donuts — climate change? The first step — as rigorous as any gym training — is getting the environment on the agenda

Characters:.

Cam: 40s. Manager / senior trainer  Melissa: 20s. Yoga instructor
Steph: 30s. Kettlebell instructor
Jay: 30s. Boxing instructor

Time:

The Present.

Note about the set:

Less is more.

Lights up on the staff room of the West 83rd Street Crunch gym. MELISSA enters with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

MELISSA
Namaste Cam Cam. Happy happy hump-day.

CAM
Get those Krispy Kremes out of here.

MELISSA
Basic, but thought donuts would glow up the staff meeting.

CAM
Melissa-Jay’s on a cut and I’m gluten free.

MELISSA
Since when?

CAM
Since now.

CAM smells the donuts.

MELISSA
Lowkey, saw you eating a muffin yesterday.

CAM
(Defensively) That was yesterday.

JAY enters.

JAY
Baking outside, yo. Melting on the 1 train.

Jay takes off his hoodie.

JAY
Drenched. R.I.P. spring.

MELISSA
OMG, right? Like what are seasons?

JAY
R.I.P. seasons.

CAM
Funny you guys should—

JAY
Melissa, mad sore from my karate tournament, stretch me out later?

CAM
Speaking of the environment–

MELISSA
Sure thing Jay bae—join 4 p.m. vinyasa flow.

CAM
This morning we’re going to chat about how we at CRUNCH West 83rd St–

JAY
Hallelujah–Krispy Kreme!

MELISSA
Sorry, Cam just told me you’re on a cut.

JAY takes the box of donuts.

JAY
Oreo cookies and kreme–nah dude—diet is R.I.P.

STEPH enters.

STEPH
Hi gang. Ugh. So hot out.

STEPH plops onto an exercise ball.

JAY
(Eating donut) Refined carbs and sugar, how I've missed you.

CAM
Numbers still low for kettlebell circuit party?

STEPH
Today two people came…I was one of the two.

MELISSA
Yeet.

STEPH
Doomed…and I’m out of deodorant.

MELISSA
Kettlebells are so pre-pandemic…now it’s all about Ozempic and pickleball.

STEPH
Cam, okay for clients to take Ozempic shots in my kettlebell class?

CAM
Lawsuit waiting to happen…back to the focus of our meeting–

JAY
Should have gotten powdered cake.

MELISSA
Sus–no one likes cake donuts.

STEPH takes the box from JAY.

STEPH
(Staring at the donut) Wish I wasn’t intermittent fasting…

CAM
(Clapping his hands) Today we’re going to chat about how we as trainers of CRUNCH West 83rd Street can make a positive impact on the environment, and help slow down global warming.

Silence.

MELISSA
Curve ball–this meeting isn’t about fall group classes?

CAM
No. This meeting is about combating climate change.

STEPH
Cam—behind on scheduling fall group classes.

MELISSA
Totes. Gotta sched.

JAY
Speaking of fall group classes–

MELISSA
Jay, we’re talking about climate change not fall group—

JAY
Had a vision during a meditation–martial arts meets dodgeball meets fencing class. Could teach it in the sweat shed. OR–on the roof.

MELISSA
Lit. Totally taking that class.

JAY high-fives MELISSA.

CAM
Back to climate change–

STEPH
But when are we talking about fall scheduling?

MELISSA
Piggy backing off Steph; need to schedule my acting auditions.

STEPH
Plus nobody’s signing up for kettlebell circuit party.

JAY
Yo, yo, yo–let’s get a trampoline.

STEPH
Girlfriend and I want to go to Singapore in November–

MELISSA
Fire. Went to Singapore as a kid. Zoo is lit.

STEPH
Sooner the better with the fall schedule—

JAY
Serious about that trampoline yo.

CAM
(Breaking point) There’s not going to be a fall schedule; a vacation to Singapore, a CRUNCH West 83rd Street; a New York City; a WORLD–if the planet MELTS.

Long silence.

JAY
Bro, think you need a donut.

CAM
Do not need a donut.

CAM sighs..

CAM
Do need a safe, healthy planet for my daughters to grow up in.

MELISSA
(Quietly) Wish I recorded Cam’s speech for TikTok…

CAM
Rate things are going, there’s not going to be a planet when my girls graduate college.

MELISSA
Big yikes.

JAY
R.I.P. planet.

CAM
What kind of father does that to their children?

CAM puts his face in his hands.

STEPH
Okay just stop it with the victim card.

CAM looks up at STEPH

STEPH
Last time I looked, the planet was still here and so were we.

STEPH pulls out a dry erase board.

STEPH
CRUNCH West 83 needs locker room products that are environmentally sustainable..

MELISSA
True that.

STEPH
Earth-friendly deodorant.

MELISSA
Plant-based soaps.

CAM begins to make a list on the whiteboard.

CAM
Thank you Steph. Thank you Melissa.

MELISSA
This is fun.

STEPH
Use the dryer downstairs less.

JAY
Sparkling water fountain.

Everyone stares at JAY.

CAM
Jay, love the enthusiasm, but how is a bedazzled water fountain going to help?

JAY
Sparkling water–soda streamers–peeps love water with bubbles.

CAM
Table that idea for now.

STEPH
Compost bin.

MELISSA
Bussin’.

JAY
Every other Tuesday we turn the power off in the entire gym.

Silence.

JAY
#nopowertuesdays.

CAM
How do you think of these things Jay?

JAY smiles.

STEPH
What if we send out a survey to the members, ask them how they think CRUNCH West 83rd Street can be more sustainable?

MELISSA
Only if there’s a raffle prize involved.

STEPH
Community will love it.

CAM
Team, thank you. Long way to go still, but shazam–step one.

The team high-fives.

CAM
Now we can talk about the fall schedule.

JAY
Sweet. Cuz I’m serious about that trampoline.

Lights out.

End of play.