Bethany Dickens Assaf is a freelance playwright, dramaturg, and theatre artist, and the co-founder of Whiskey Theatre Factory in Orlando, Florida. Almost 100 of her plays have been performed or read across the country including her twisty sci-fi play, The Consciousness, which was performed at 10 fringe festivals across the country and won Best Play at the Tampa Bay Theatre Festival. You can learn more through Bethany’s website: www.BethanyDickens.com.

What’s in the Basement, Honey?

Characters:

Doris: 20s-early 30s Gene: 20s-early 30s
A Lovecraftian Monster, Ancient and Unknowable

Setting:

A 1950’s kitchen/dining room with the impression of all its strange gadgetry and candy colors. There’s a bit of a mess, but it’s not the untidiest of a typical dinner preparation: suggestions are that there are a lot of knives hither and thither, maybe sticking out of things, maybe something’s hit the wall. If there’s music playing- upbeat 1950’s tunes- there’s also some static.

Lights up on DORIS in a frilly apron and dress, but slightly mussed (perhaps a bit sweaty? A few hairs escape her updo? A weird stain on her apron?) slamming a casserole or meatloaf or something like that onto the table with the relief and sense of accomplishment of someone who’s just been through a war. The lights flicker. DORIS looks up, daring them to do it again. THEY don’t.

During the above, we hear the door open and:

GENE
(from offstage) I’m home, darling!

This startles DORIS and she mouths the word “FUCK.”
DORIS starts to try to tidy.

DORIS
Oh dear yes! You’re early my love.

GENE
(from offstage, still in good humor) Well, that’s the last thing a husband wants to hear!
…You gonna come get my coat, or should I - ?

DORIS
Oh, just throw it on the sofa. I’ll hang it up later.
You’ve just caught me at a strange moment…

GENE makes an entrance. He extends his arms so she can better see what he’s wearing.

DORIS (CONT)
Oh my that’s the jacket you wanted that was so // expensive.

GENE
I can’t help it. It’s just so nifty. And don’t worry about the money.

DORIS
Oh. Alright.

GENE
Hey this looks really delicious.
And so do you.

DORIS
Aw.

GENE kisses her, lights flicker again.

DORIS (CONT)
Sorry. They’ve been doing that all day. Let me get you your martini.

GENE
Do you want me to try and // fix it?

DORIS
No, no, it will go back to normal in no time flat. Tell me about your day while I slip out of this dirty apron.

GENE
Oh my day wasn’t -

DORIS
Did you have that meeting with Bill?

GENE
Well, the traffic going into the city was antsville, by the time I got in, I’d missed half of it.

DORIS
But did you get the raise?

GENE
Sweetheart baby, I told you; never concern your little head with money, it’s gonna be -

Suddenly a loud THUMP from somewhere in the house.
Downstairs? GENE looks around.

GENE (CONT)
What the // heck was that?

DORIS
Oh nothing! Nothing. Just the plumbing or a pipe somewhere drink your martini Gene.

GENE
Alright…you know, if you want me to take // a look

DORIS
Completely unnecessary! My poor man’s had a long day at work, providing for us. You leave it to me, I’ll call Mr. Deschel if I have to.

GENE
Oh. Alright. But if it gets worse, let me take a crack at it. I’m not saying we can’t afford Mr. Deschel, not saying that at all, but you gotta save those pennies where you can. Anyway, after that meeting with Bill I had about two hours of calls with clients.

DORIS
Oh no, I can’t even imagine.

GENE
And it gets worse. You know that big pitch meeting today? With Mydas Industries?

DORIS
Yeah? Didn’t you have that pitch several weeks ago?

GENE
No, no, you’re thinking about something else. Well, let me tell you. Disaster.

DORIS
Oh // no!

GENE
Ted’s late, bulb’s busted on the projector, Bill brings a bunch of juniors in there, including that pimple-faced Andy Bleakner -

DORIS
Darling, how terrible!

GENE
And I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. Just as I’m starting what else could go wrong and -

Under the above, more bumping. This time, the lights flicker as well. GENE continues straight to the next line.

GENE (CONT)
What is the GODDAMN noise?
Sorry honey baby, I just wanna eat this delicious meal in peace and that keeps-

DORIS
I’m sure it’s gonna stop, it usually does!

GENE
It’s been doing this a while?
It’s the basement, isn’t it?

DORIS jumps up, goes to a drawer and finds a BIG wrench.

DORIS
Well I didn’t wanna bother you, with everything you’ve got going on.
Look, I’ll just // take care of it

GENE
Well that’s no good, I don’t want to sit here and have dinner all by myself. Is that my wrench?

DORIS
No, it’s actually bigger than yours.

GENE
My - ?
What? Why do you have your own // wrench?

DORIS
Oh don’t worry. I paid for it with my pocket-money.

GENE
That’s not the point. I mean, we have plenty of money…

DORIS
Of course.

GENE
It’s the idea of you doing manual labor!

DORIS
Actually, Good Housekeeping suggests a spot of exertion every day really brings color to the cheeks and improves the circulation.

Another loud BUMP, this one louder than ever.

GENE
Alright, that’s it.
I’ll go // take a look.

DORIS
No no no not the basement.
Gene, please, I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll just pop in there and…
Boop!

DORIS mimes donking something with the wrench. It’s charming. But GENE notices something…

GENE
Is that…?
Oh god on the wrench…
Is that BLOOD?

DORIS
Oh, dear, listen Gene -
No no no not the basement, Gene. Wait. I’ll explain everything just please // don’t go down there!

GENE
Doris, this is MY HOUSE and I’m gonna damn well see // what’s going on!

DORIS
I’ll tell you I promise just don’t it’ll EAT YOU RIGHT UP, Gene!

GENE pauses, astonished.

DORIS (CONT)
(charming, but frazzled) I mean…I’ll eat up your dinner, you silly-willy, if you don’t sit down this instant….I’ll make you another martini.

GENE
Doris, I don’t want another goddamn martini, you better tell me what’s going on.
Did you? Did you murder someone and only half did it and they’re // in the basement?

DORIS
OH MY GOD

GENE
Well I don’t know what to think.

Lights start to flicker, blender goes off.

GENE (CONT)
Is that the blender?

DORIS
Oh for the love of -
(to the lights) IF YOU DON’T CUT THAT OUT, I’m coming down there.

The lights stop.

GENE
What the hell…’down’ where?

DORIS
Oh I don’t know, sometimes you just have to take a strict tone with these new-fangled household appliances -

GENE
DORIS.

DORIS
Oh fine fine fine: there’s some sort of ancient evil attached to this house, I found it the first day we moved in and so occasionally these monsters manifest in the basement and sometimes the lights flicker but I have my wrench so it’s really nothing for you to worry about dear.

GENE
I’m sorry -

DORIS
Don’t be, darling. At least we know why this place was such a steal!

GENE
No I mean I’m sorry I don’t understand.
We’ve lived here for five months! This has been going on all that time!

DORIS
Well, it -

GENE
And you didn’t TELL me?!

DORIS
I guess I thought you had enough on your plate. I mean, you don’t want to hear about vacuuming, or scouring the oven or the squirrel that died in the gutter -

GENE
This is nothing like that! This is -

Suddenly the lights flicker madly. The blender goes off again.

DORIS
Wow they really are flipping their lid, I -

Lights go completely out.

DORIS (CONT)
Oh crappola, honey, don’t move.

GENE
WHAT?!

DORIS
I SAID DON’T MOVE!

Suddenly, lights flicker and we see a horrible, Lovecraftian MONSTER lurking in the room. GENE and DORIS both scream, the former in terror, the latter as a sort of war cry. In flashes, we see DORIS deal with the creature with a baseball bat.

DORIS (CONT)
Go back to Hell you son of a bitch!

GENE
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

DORIS
I almost -
Got him -
In the basement. WHEW! There we go.
Just give the lights a second.

After a beat, the lights come back on. DORIS is sitting primly in place, but her outfit is mussed and there is monster blood/goo/guts in her hair and maybe a bit on her face.

GENE
(startled by this) Holy…
Shit.

DORIS
Darling, will you pass the potatoes?

GENE
No. No, I will not pass the -
We need to get out of here.

DORIS
You’re being dramatic, it’s handled now. I’m sure he’s gone back through the portal in the basement.

GENE
But what about when he comes back?

DORIS
This is our house. Our home. I’ll defend it.

GENE
With a baseball bat and a wrench?!

DORIS
With my bare hands if I have to. It’s my job, Gene. A wife’s job. To create…a haven for you. And I’ll defend that haven by whatever means possible.
I also have some chains and whips upstairs.

DORIS begins calmly eating again. GENE watches her.

GENE
Doris?

DORIS
Yes, darling?

GENE
We’re broke.

DORIS
What on earth do // you mean?

GENE
I really…I really messed up. That jacket was a steal but it still was too damn expensive…

DORIS
Gene, language.

GENE
I’m just trying to say how it is!
And the truth is…I don’t have a job. I quit last month.

DORIS
Quit? But Gene, you always tell me about your day -

GENE
Because you always ask me! And then I don’t know, it feels sorta good to complain. To remind myself why I quit in the first place.

DORIS
…
What the HELL Gene?

GENE
See I knew you’d have // this reaction…

DORIS
Where do you go all day?!

GENE
I don’t know. Around. The dog track. Sometimes I just get a sandwich.
And I don’t wanna get nagged about it when I get home! Or fight demons or eat dry casserole.
Wow! You know, it does feel good to be honest about this stuff All of this pressure of being married to you and being the perfect husband…it’s just too much.

GENE gets up.

DORIS
Where are you going?

GENE
I’ll eat something at the track. And tomorrow we can talk about…selling this dump.

GENE puts on his jacket and leaves.
DORIS sits at the table.
After a beat, the MONSTER shuffles back in, looks at DORIS.

DORIS
All yours.

DORIS gets up and exits.

End of play.