Constance Humphrey Egan’s plays have appeared at The Eclectic Theatre (LA), Actor’s Rep (Rutland, VT), The Pittsburgh Playwright’s Theatre (Pgh, PA), Wingspan Arts (NYC), and Hand to Mouth Players (Buchanan, NY), to name a few. Her play THE BAD HABIT is published by Original Works Publishing and SEPARATED AT BIRTH is published by Heartlands Plays. SECONDHAND SMOKE was recently staged at Gallery Player’s New Play Festival, in Brooklyn. She works and resides in Pittsburgh, PA.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Characters:

GISHIE- Woman in her 40s. Former medical surgical device rep. Completely overwhelmed mother of two teenagers. Wonders what her life might have been, had she made different choices. Suspects she’s a terrible mother.

BRAD- Man in his 40s. Corporate insurance specialist. Travels weekly. Former college athlete. Wonders what life might have been, had he made different choices. Deeply disappointed that his kids aren’t athletic. Suspects he’s a terrible father.

CHELSEA/COREY- Teenager. Hates her body. Hates her parents. Hates her brother. Hates her life. Hopes to be an actor one day. Completely addicted but horrified by social media.

CHASE- Younger brother to Chelsea/Corey. Addicted to video games, porn, and online gambling. He has no social life outside of his gaming interactions with similar males. Can go days without uttering a word to another human being.

Setting:

THE PRESENT.

GISHIE flutters around the table. She’s sipping coffee, working on a crossword puzzle, checking her schedule book, making a to-do list for the day, etc....BRAD sits reading a newspaper and sipping coffee.

GISHIE
Sweetie, will you be late tonight?

No response from BRAD..

We need to sit down and figure out what we’re going to do about…ummm….problem solve, brainstorm... Honey?

BRAD nods without looking up.

The school called again and I just don’t know how much I should share with them. Not that I’m embarrassed....well, maybe I am.

Beat.

Wendy’s daughter was in rehab. When was that? Last winter? Cost them tens of thousands of dollars, and she can’t put two months of sobriety together. Poor thing. And Sid and Brian’s son? Oh my God.... I would just go to bed, and never get up.

Beat.

Why should we be ashamed? Honey, we shouldn’t feel stigmatized. But the school’s putting pressure on me to give them information. I...I...I... just don’t know how much more to say. And then, there’s my mother. She would never understand this video....porn....thing/incident.....whatever bullshit you want to call it. SHE’LL FREAK OUT. Anything good happens to us, it’s all because she’s the best mother/grandmother in the world. She takes credit for every little victory. But a problem? An issue? It’s all my fault. I don’t get any credit and carry all the blame. It’s no win.

Beat.

Brad? Are you listening?

BRAD
(looking up) What?

GISHIE
I don’t think there’s enough coffee to get me through this shit storm.

GISHIE picks up the coffee pot, pours more coffee into both of their mugs, and addresses the audience in a pseudo PSA voice.

In large amounts, caffeine can cause irritability, muscle twitching (hyperreflexia), headaches, insomnia, tremulousness, and heart palpitations. There are four induced psychiatric disorders, caused by caffeine abuse....caffeine intoxication, caffeine-induced anxiety disorder, caffeine induced sleep disorders, and caffeine-related disorders not otherwise specified.

To Brad.

Did you hear anything I just said?

BRAD
Of course.

GISHIE
Who was I bitching about?

BRAD
Your mother.

GISHIE
You guessed.

BRAD
It was either Chelsea, your mother, or both.

GISHIE
You don’t listen to a word I say.

BRAD
I hear it all.

GISHIE
Bullshit.

BRAD
The school is circling......we shouldn’t feel stigmatized.....Sid and Brian’s son.....Wendy’s daughter.....

GISHIE
(making an exasperated face) So you’re purposefully ignoring me.

BRAD
Huh?

GISHIE
I would like a little support. Throw me a lifeline.

BRAD
What?.

GISHIE
My God!

BRAD
Can you please stop? It’s 6:30 in the God damned morning. I’m barely awake.

GISHIE
This is OUR daughter. OUR problem.

BRAD
Ours? Since when?

GISHIE
What does that mean?

BRAD
I hear you at parties tell people that I’m an absentee father, and an absentee husband. I travel for work, God damn it. I don’t have a choice. I’m not consulted on anything. She’s your daughter when the going is good, and I’m to blame when the shit hits the fan.

GISHIE
I just said that exact thing about my Mom.

BRAD
The apple doesn’t fall far...

GISHIE
That’s cruel.

BRAD
You’re a Drama Queen.

GISHIE
Our sweet little princess has enough drama in her pinkie to annihilate an entire city. I swear I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

BRAD
It’s not all about you.

GISHIE
I don’t have a minute to myself. I spend my life dragging her in and out of shrinks’ offices, getting her evaluated, re-evaluated, assessed, reassessed, tested, medicated, detoxed, then re-medicated. Come down into the mud with us. We can use all the help we can get.

No response.

Are you feeling left out? That’s the problem? (Sarcastically) Sorry I haven’t given you the attention you need. Let’s see if I can squeeze some strip pole techniques into my schedule. I’ll sandwich it between the neuropsychiatrist’s sessions and the school counselor’s appointments. I’ll spin myself around that pole with electronic music pounding....romping in five inch translucent platforms....in a G-string....

Pause.

BRAD
That sounds hot.

GISHIE gasps. BRAD laughs.

I’m kidding. Jesus Christ. You’ve lost your sense of humor.

GISHIE
Put that on my “to do” list-strip pole, sense of humor.....anything else?

BRAD
Lighten up, will you? I’m here. I haven’t gone anywhere. You’re an amazing mother.

Beat.

Can we discuss that strip pole again?

GISHIE
(finally chuckling) Stop it.

GISHIE sips coffee as BRAD addresses the audience.

BRAD
(using a pseudo PSA voice) In some rare instances, men taking oral erectile dysfunction medicines, including Viagra, report a sudden decrease or loss of vision. Sudden decrease or loss of hearing has been rarely reported in people taking PDES inhibitors, including Viagra. If you experience chest pains, nausea, or any discomfort during sex, seek immediate medical help. In the rare event of an erection lasting more than four hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

GISHIE
(to Brad) It’s utterly amazing. A typhoon could rip our house apart, and you would hope to get laid when the wind dies down. I can’t think of anything less titillating than a sick child. I don’t think I’ve had a true hormone surge since the day Chelsea was born.

BRAD
Clearly.

CHELSEA enters. She’s a beautiful, angry teenager. Simply sharing the same air with her parents makes her skin crawl.

CHELSEA
(pointing to Brad’s laptop) I need one.

BRAD
Good morning, Sweet Pea.

CHELSEA
I need my own computer. I can’t do my projects and basic homework without my own computer!

GISHIE
You lost that privilege. We’ll see how the term goes.

BRAD goes back to his newspaper to avoid any confrontation.

CHELSEA
I can’t DO the term without one.

GISHIE
That’s an excuse.

CHELSEA
(to Gishie) I’m not talking to you.

GISHIE
I’m talking to you.

CHELSEA
Whatever.

GISHIE
(to Brad) “Whatever” is code for “Fuck you Mom.”

BRAD ignores her. GISHIE turns on CHELSEA.

After all I do for you....you have the nerve to make demands....jibberty quack quack zippity gobble....

GISHIE’S voice takes on a high, squeaky tone. Her gibberish drones quietly in the background as CHELSEA addresses the audience.

CHELSEA
(using a pseudo PSA voice) Prozac may cause nervousness, dry mouth, sore throat, drowsiness, uncontrollable shaking of parts of the body, loss of appetite, change in sex drive or ability, excessive sweating. Call your doctor immediately if you experience....rash, hives, fever, swelling of the face, tongue, lips, eyes, hands, lower extremities, difficulty swallowing or breathing, confusion, seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist. Antidepressants increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

GISHIE
(to Chelsea in her normal voice) Chelsea, I’m speaking to you.

CHELSEA
Whatever.

CHELSEA gets herself something to eat.

GISHIE
(to Brad) Brad, jump in anytime.

BRAD
(not looking up) Whatever.

GISHIE
Nobody listens to me!

GISHIE mimes that she’s inside a giant balloon. During this mime moment, CHASE enters. GISHIE silently yells within the balloon, “Help me! Let me out!” No one is paying the least bit of attention to her, so she takes an imaginary pin and pops her way out of the balloon.

Fucking whatever.

CHASE has headphones on. He has a virtual reality face mask dangling around his neck. He toasts himself a Pop-Tart and grabs an energy drink. He moves around the kitchen completely unnoticed by the rest of the family. He has martial arts weapons hanging from his belt. He takes time to glance at the newspaper on the kitchen table as the other three argue around him. They don’t acknowledge him and he completely ignores them. It’s as if he’s a techno ghost.

CHELSEA
Since I have you all here, we need to discuss my pronouns.

GISHIE
My brain isn’t quite functioning on all cylinders at this hour. Can we do this at dinner time?

CHELSEA
Dr. Standaert says that it’s important that we’re on the same page.

GISHIE
(slowing down her words) Would you please tell Dr. Standaert that I need to discuss these sensitive issues after breakfast. I can do it between breakfast and lunch, or anytime in the afternoon or evening. After 9pm is a hard no. My brain is completely turned off after 9.

BRAD
Excuse me? You had me backed into a corner a few minutes ago, when I was begging for a moment of morning peace?

GISHIE
Oh....look who’s participating now.

BRAD
One minute you’re badgering me to go head to head with you, and next, you’re deflecting when someone else wants to discuss something.

GISHIE
Oh my, you’re showing your therapy Brad. Deflecting? Could you ever imagine your Dad saying aloud to your Mother, “Joan, please stop deflecting?” (laughing) What has happened to us? We’re drowning in psychobabble.

CHELSEA
Leave him alone, Mom. He’s just trying to help.

GISHIE
Oh....so now he’s the hero.

CHELSEA
I didn’t say he was a hero. I said “leave him alone.”

GISHIE
I love it when you two gang up on me. Love it. I do all the heavy lifting and then you two become thick as thieves. As if I’m the bad guy here.

BRAD
For the love of God, quit bringing everything back to you. It’s not all about you.

CHELSEA
My pronouns going forward are They/Them.

Everyone stops dead in their tracks for a second. They can’t compute this information. CHASE loves this piece of news. He’s so happy watching this conflict. At one point CHELSEA notices his glee and hisses at him like a cat, and he skedaddles out of the room. This is the only moment that CHASE’S presence is acknowledged.

GISHIE
I don’t really get what you’re saying.

CHELSEA
They/Them.

GISHIE
What does that mean?

CHELSEA
(slowly) I’m Non-Binary.

GISHIE
I need some more coffee.

BRAD
I don’t know what that is.

GISHIE
Ding dong, he’s awake now!

BRAD
(to Gishie) Will you please put a sock in it? (to Chelsea) What are you saying?

CHELSEA
I’m saying that I’m Non-Binary, and Dr. Standaert thinks that it’s important that we discuss this openly.

BRAD
(to Gishie) There was a training at work about this months ago, and I completely blew it off. I didn’t think it applied to me. Greg and I turned it into a comedy routine. I thought I was pretty hilarious. I was acting out a dyky role.....

Realizing what’s he’s saying and who he’s saying it to, BRAD shuts up.

GISHIE
(to Chelsea) Still besties with your Neanderthal Daddy? Pronouns are the least of this family’s problems. I’m happy if you’re happy. It’s as simple as that.

CHELSEA
We can try this again sometime later. Maybe never. Also.....my name going forward is Corey.

Corey exits.

Silence.

GISHIE
What just happened?

BRAD
I’m confused.

GISHIE
She’s saying she’s a They/Them now.

BRAD
She didn’t say that...They said it. That doesn’t sound right. How will I know if we’re talking about two people, or only Chelsea, I mean Corey.

Beat.

I could just say “Corey left the room”. Easy peasy. But it’ll take my brain five minutes to translate that one sentence properly into this new language.

GISHIE
One more God damned hoop.

BRAD
My grammar has always sucked. How will I do this?

GISHIE
I WON’T. MY BRAIN FRIED YEARS AGO.

Long silence. They sit staring straight ahead.

BRAD
(quietly) Corey. I can do that. One step at a time.

GISHIE
(quietly) Corey. We can do that.

BRAD
(long peaceful sigh) That’s so nice.

GISHIE
(quietly) What?

BRAD
Silence. The silence is wonderful.

GISHIE
Hmmmm.

BRAD
It’s sort of sexy.

They both quietly chuckle.

End of play.