Mindy R. Roll is an emerging playwright who writes at the intersections of relationships, gender, spirituality, mystery, friendship, and religion. Based in Houston, TX, she has been a member of the Dramatists Guild of America since January 2021. 

Basic Reprogramming

Characters:

Quinn: The Prefrontal Cortex- the superior one, older, any gender  Storm: The Limbic Brain- the passionate one, middle-aged, any gender
Basic: The Reptilian Brain- the thrill-seeking one, younger, any gender

Character notes:

Characters can be played by any gender. Quinn should be dressed conservatively, with a professorial look, occasionally donning a hoity-toity accent; Storm should be dressed flamboyantly and speak with passion and quick emotion; Basic should be somewhat sloppy, but also cunning and manipulative. 

Setting:

An empty stage. One high stool beside one chair. On the floor in front of them, a floor mat and a large bag.

QUINN sits on a high stool with a packet of papers in their lap, looking pensive. STORM sits in the chair, looking dejected. BASIC sits on the floor, grinning at the audience. Beside BASIC is the large bag.

STORM
This is so ridiculous. I cannot believe we are here. On a Saturday! During football season!

QUINN
Are you kidding? This is so necessary. We’ve waited too long to come.

STORM
Please! You think –

QUINN
Exactly! I think! You don’t think. That’s why we’re here.

STORM
Are you seriously pulling that again?

BASIC
Ugghh! You two! Always fighting. Same old, same old. Listen, I’ve got an idea…

QUINN
No! We aren’t here for your ideas. In fact, your ideas are what got us here in the first place.

STORM
Surprisingly, that one (gestures to QUINN) is right.

QUINN
Good. Let’s review. Storm is here to take notes and to learn self-control. I, Quinn, am here to make strategies to get us out of this mess. And you, Basic, are here-

BASIC
To be quiet. I know!

QUINN
Good. It’s about to begin. Let’s take a moment to calm ourselves, take some deep breaths. Both of you, follow my lead. Deep breath in, hold it…

QUINN and STORM close their eyes, breathe deeply; BASIC grins to the audience.

BASIC
These two are such a joke! Watch this.

BASIC reaches into the bag and pulls out a large bag of puffy Cheetos and a large Dr Pepper bottle. BASIC opens the bag of chips. QUINN and STORM, eyes still closed, immediately sit up straighter. BASIC unscrews the Dr Pepper. QUINN and STORM start to smile and clasp hands, eyes still closed.

BASIC
(To audience) See that? They’re so easy. Now watch.

BASIC stands up and dances around the two, holding the bag and drink for them to smell.

BASIC (CONT)
(To audience) It’s called the dopamine dance. Works every time. 

STORM
(Sigh) I love Cheetos. They make me feel like a kid again. Summers and picnics, our fingers covered in all that orange dust…

QUINN
Mmmm…. And Dr Pepper, it perks up my thinking. So bubbly and cool. I’m so sharp after a good swig.

STORM
I’m hungry. Let’s get a snack. 

STORM/QUINN
BASIC!

STORM
PUT THAT AWAY! What is wrong with you?

QUINN
We told you to stop with those games. We are here for serious work. Not for your shenanigans.

BASIC sits down and returns the chips and drink to the bag, grinning at the audience.

BASIC
(To audience) See what I mean? So easy to manipulate. Just a little promise of pleasure and they get so off-track. I love my job – drug-dealer of the brain.

QUINN
Be quiet, Basic! We’re getting started.

BASIC whispers to audience.

BASIC
(Mocking) “We’re getting started!”
Meanwhile, stuffy old Quinn thinks that their part is the best – (hoity-toity accent) oh look at me, I am so evolved, I do all of our thinking. Ha! Storm, meanwhile, so tossed between emotions. Can’t handle anything. And this workshop. Who goes to a workshop called “Falling Out of Love”? Classic Quinn! Oh, we’re going to have a good time today.

STORM
Here’s the handout. “The Four Rules for Falling out of Love: Moving on in Just 60 days.” That’s depressing just reading it. I’m starting to feel sad.

QUINN
But that’s why we’re here. To get over her once and for all. It’s time to close the door. We’ve wallowed for too long. That’s why I am in charge today. We’re moving on.

STORM
Fine. I’m sick of arguing with you.

QUINN
Good. Alright. Rule number one. (Consults paper) No contact for 60 days. Well, that seems easy enough. We switched dorms months ago.

STORM
Changed our classes.

QUINN
Started going to the gym in the morning.

STORM
Divided up friends and parties.

QUINN
You know, Storm, I have to hand it to us: we’ve done pretty good on this one. High five?

STORM
High-five!

As STORM and QUINN high five, BASIC reaches into the bag and pulls out a phone. BASIC starts to dance around STORM and QUINN with the phone; they don’t notice.

STORM
(Suddenly dreamy) You know, I just started wondering, like out of the blue: What do you think she’s doing now? Right now?

QUINN
We could check. You know, from a distance. See what’s happening on her Instagram?

STORM
What if she is online RIGHT NOW? If that little green dot is on? It’s like being so close! I would freak out!

BASIC dances with phone close to them; they see BASIC.

QUINN/STORM
BASIC!

QUINN
What are you doing?

BASIC
Oh, it’s just a little peek on social media. It’s good for you! Gives you a little dopamine hit. Didn’t you feel it? Seeing her face? Realizing she is online at this instant?

STORM
Oh, I’m all over the place. Happy… sad… BUT ALSO JEALOUS. WHO IS SHE SPENDING TIME WITH? WHO IS THAT IN HER PICTURES? I’m starting to feel rage.

QUINN snatches phone from BASIC, fiddles with it.

QUINN
We are blocking her. No social media. No texting. No peeks. For 60 days, Storm. 

BASIC
But what if – what if she’s sad? Or, oh my God, what if she’s happy?

QUINN
We’re turning it off, Storm. It doesn’t matter. Rule number one is NO CONTACT.

BASIC sits down angrily, speaks to audience.

BASIC
Are you kidding me? That’s like my best strategy. Social media is awesome for a little dopamine hit. It’s soooooo damn addictive.

QUINN
Alright, Rule Number Two: Consider all the bad qualities of the person you are trying to no longer love. (Pause) Well, I’ve been thinking about this. I have a list.

STORM
You have a list? You’re such a jerk!

QUINN
It’s supposed to help. I’m trying to help us here.

STORM
Fine. Begin with your list.

QUINN
Number one, remember that time we had the flu? It took her days to check in. Days! She’s not as caring as she makes herself out to be.

STORM
That did hurt my feelings. How are you silent when the person you love is sick? Ok, I’ll give you that one.

QUINN
Number two, her overconfidence. Remember when she tried to speak Portuguese to the waiter at that Brazilian restaurant? After, like, half a semester?

STORM
That was awful. He had no idea what she was saying. But she kept going. And the guy only spoke English! I was so embarrassed.

QUINN
Number three, remember how she would just disappear? For like days?

STORM
That was a terrible feeling. To just be waiting for her to say something, to answer a text. It felt like there was no rhyme or reason. She would just be – gone. Hey! This feels like progress!

QUINN
It actually does.

BASIC
(To audience) Well, this is NOT GOOD!

BASIC starts rummaging in the bag.

BASIC (CONT)
I know just the thing to do. Watch this.

BASIC pulls out an instrument, playing softly, and starts dancing around the two.

STORM
(Suddenly dreamy) Ah, but do you remember what happened next at the Brazilian restaurant?

BASIC pulls STORM off the chair, begins to dance with her around the stage.

QUINN
You mean the dancing? I remember.

STORM
That was so much fun!

QUINN
She was quite the dancer. And when we danced with her, I mean– we were on top of the world!

STORM
That was such a fun night. I just -- Hey!

Both notice BASIC.

STORM/QUINN
BASIC!

They stop dancing.

QUINN
What are you doing?

BASIC
What?! Oh, just sneaking in a happy memory. To disrupt all that listing. Don’t you feel nice? There’s nothing quite as lovely as re-living good memories. That’s like high-grade dopamine.

STORM
I do feel nice. Remembering all that dancing. How fun she was. How adventurous.

QUINN
Stop, Storm! We are supposed to be listing her bad qualities. We can’t move on if we keep re-living the good stuff. You have to stop, Basic. Sit down and be quiet!

BASIC glares angrily, sits down.

QUINN (CONT)
Storm, no happy memories. Not for 60 days. You have to resist them.

STORM
But, Quinn. We had so many good ones! The restaurants, the bars, the conversations, the trips. Spring Break. I felt so warm with her, so understood. How do I resist those? That feeling?

QUINN
It says how to right here – Rule Number Three is to do math.

STORM
To do – what? Let me see: “Pick a high number. Then subtract backwards by 13s. Keep subtracting backwards until you are no longer re-living the memory.”

BASIC freezes.

BASIC
Oh shit!

STORM
That seems absurd!

QUINN
Ohhhh, I see. You see what’s happening? They are making us switch from you to me. From feeling to thinking. That’s really clever.

STORM
That’s ridiculous. And, frankly, insulting!

QUINN
It makes perfect sense! Watch. Go back to dancing.

BASIC frowns, but gets up and starts dancing with STORM; STORM starts to look dreamy again.

STORM
Now what?

QUINN
1257 minus 13

STORM
I don’t know!

QUINN
Try it!

STORM
Uhhh… 1243?

QUINN
Try again!

STORM stops dancing; backs off from BASIC.

STORM
Hang on… (fiddling with fingers) 1244!

QUINN
Correct!

STORM and BASIC begin dancing again.

QUINN (CONT)
Now do it again! 1244 minus 13!

STORM comes to sit back down, leaving BASIC. She keeps fiddling with her fingers.

QUINN
Good! Do you see what’s happening? When you start to feel a memory, you switch over to thinking. And look!

STORM looks around, surprised.

STORM
I’m not in the memory anymore. When did we stop dancing?

QUINN
That’s amazing. I think we can do that one – together, you and me. You start to feel, and I coach you to think.

BASIC sits down, looking very grumpy.

BASIC
(To audience) I didn’t see that one coming. Let me tell you – there is NO DOPAMINE attached to math. Not ever. No one is happy doing math.  

QUINN
It’s time to move on, Storm. She doesn’t love us.

Deep sigh from STORM. BASIC leaps up, panicked.

BASIC
Emergency! Emergency! Damn, what do I do? All that delicious dopamine…  I can’t let it go.

BASIC grabs a wig from the bag, puts it on.

BASIC (CONT)
Desperate times…

BASIC turns to face QUINN and STORM.

BASIC (CONT)
(High-pitched voice) Well, hhiiiiiii!

QUINN and STORM freeze, staring at BASIC.

QUINN
This can’t-

STORM
You’re here?

BASIC
Of course I’m here!

BASIC prances seductively around QUINN and STORM, then pauses to look STORM in the eyes, holding her hands.

BASIC (CONT)
I love you. I’ll never leave you. And I know how sad you are, so I came to support you. You know I love you so much.

STORM
But – but – you let us go!

BASIC
Not really. It just took some time to come to my senses. Now I’m here. Fully here. For you. I love you so much. I promise. Let’s start a life together!

STORM
I can’t believe it! I’ve dreamed of this day! I’ve dreamed of you saying those words!

BASIC
I have always thought them. It’s always been you. Always.

QUINN
Uh, Storm?

STORM
Shhhhhh! Can’t you see she’s here? In the flesh? I feel so happy! Don’t ruin this for me, Quinn.

QUINN walks over to BASIC, removes the wig.

QUINN
Storm! It’s a fantasy! It’s Basic, tricking you again. Look at Rule Number Four: No fantasies. For 60 days. No fantasies, no hope, no dreaming, no alternate realities. Stay in the present. We must stay in the present!

BASIC sneaks the wig back on.

BASIC
But look at how nice I look! We could go dancing! Talk the night away! Go to restaurants and travel. Spring Break again. Talk about our feelings…

QUINN snatches it back off.

QUINN
We must stay in the present, Storm! We must stay in reality. It’s only 60 days. That’s how long it takes to re-program Basic.

BASIC
TO WHAT?

QUINN
To re-program you. That’s why we are here. We cannot fall out of love while you are working so hard to keep us in love.

BASIC
So you are going to starve me? Take away all my beautiful dopamine?

QUINN
Yes, Basic. We have to.

BASIC
But it’s so delicious! I just want more and more. And if she won’t have us, then we can have the memories! And the fantasy! And the hope! All of it gives us a hit! (Desperate) And it’s such high-quality stuff. It’s the finest grade. Don’t do this to us! I need it.

QUINN
(Sadly) I know, Basic. I’ve known that all along. It is the highest quality. It’s why I didn’t stop this sooner. It’s why I’ve let you two run the show. But we have to. It’s not good for us to be in love with someone who doesn’t love us. And she doesn’t.

All three sit, dejected.

STORM
So what do we now?

BASIC
I don’t know.

QUINN rummages through the bag.

QUINN
How about some Cheetos?

END OF PLAY