Playwright Kelli Lynn Woodend was born and raised in Western Kentucky. She has written scripts for Emmy Award-winning documentaries at History Channel and PBS.  Her plays have been produced both nationally and internationally. She worked with the Muppets and Sesame Studios in NYC before recently relocating to Sarasota with her husband and son.  Connect with her on Instagram @dressmakerschild

What’s Love Got To Do With It

CHARACTERS

Cathy Jo, female, 60s or 70s

Wayne, male, 30s

WAYNE (30s) stands outside the Gravitron ride in a dirty jumpsuit with name tag, boots, and bandana. He holds a cig and Mountain Dew and sets up the Ride Closed sign. CATHY JO (60+) approaches him. She has bright colored hair, wears a zany outfit of her own making, carries her phone in one hand and a stuffed animal prize in the other.

CATHY JO
Oh, here it is. Here it is. The Gravitron. This is the best damn ride you folks got going on down here.

WAYNE
(pointing to a closed sign) Ride’s closed right now, lady.

CATHY JO
Well, you can’t just close up the Gravitron.

WAYNE
I’m on break. I’ll open her back up in 20 minutes.

CATHY JO
Perfect.

CATHY JO walks right up to the front and plants herself near WAYNE.

WAYNE
What are you doing?

CATHY JO
Whaddya mean?

WAYNE
I just told you. Ride is closed. That means you gotta go.

CATHY JO
But I want to be first in line.

WAYNE
Well, I can’t leave. I still gotta guard the premises here and I’d like a little peace and quiet during my break.

CATHY JO
Oh, you go on and do what you need to. I’m not gonna bother ya none. Just don’t wanna lose my place.

WAYNE
Shit, lady. Go ride something else. When you come back, I’ll let you cut to the front.

CATHY JO
Hey, I’m a lot of things, but a slimy line cutter ain’t one of ‘em.

WAYNE
Fine. We’ll call it a senior citizen pass. Go grab some grub or something.

CATHY JO
Are you crazy? I’m not putting myself through the ol’ demon spinner with grub in my belly. Round and round and round til I chuck up all my churros? I’m not falling for that one again.

WAYNE
I’m sick of arguing with you. You need to come back later.

CATHY JO
Don’t you worry, darling. I get it. It’s gotta be exhausting dealing with those grubby grub teenagers all day and night. Shit. Take a load off. I’ll be real quiet.

Beat. WAYNE is silent.

CATHY JO (CONT.)
You might be wondering why I’m here at the carnival all by my lonesome.

WAYNE
For the love of Gawd.

CATHY JO
Well, I go to all of ‘em. State Fairs, country fairs, fall festivals, town carnivals. I’m searching for someone, ya see.

WAYNE
Come on now. This is the only time I got.

CATHY JO
Well, maybe you’ve seen her. She’s gone missing.

WAYNE
This spaceship ride look like a precinct house to you?

CATHY JO
(shows him her phone) Here’s her photo. Look.

WAYNE takes a drag from his cigarette and refuses to look at her phone.

CATHY JO (CONT.)
She been hanging ‘round here at all? This ain’t her best pic, by any means. Her bangs are doing some sorta funny business.

WAYNE takes a glance.

WAYNE
Not familiar. Why don’t you go ask one of the fellas at the Pirate Ship or Kamikaze?

CATHY JO
I’ve asked all them tat necked, butter bellies. They said to ask you.

WAYNE
Look, call the cops, lady.

CATHY JO
Well, she’s not missing, missing. I mean, she just doesn’t want ME finding her. Now, she’s a grown woman and all. I can respect her wishes and whatnot. And, hey, not everyone wants their momma sniffin’ round in their biz wiz. I just want to make sure she’s doing okay.

WAYNE
I got nothing.

CATHY JO
Oh, I don’t buy that. Help a lady out, why dontcha? All you carny cats gotta a big ol’ chip on your shoulder.

WAYNE
Chip on my shoulder? Chip on my shoulder? See this spaceship? I set this shit up myself. 6 hours it takes me. 6 and a quarter if the humidity is jacked. I then jam 45 acne pus punk asses in here for 90 second spin cycles which works itself to be about 1000 people an hour. I do this 10 hours a day for 6 days straight, followed by a midnight tear down, piece by piece, rack it up on a 50 foot trailer bed and haul ass to Nofuck, Indiana to do that very shit all over again. So, as you might be able to gather, ma’am, these little cigarette breaks are about as close as I’m gonna get to not losing my mother fucking mind. And I think we both know that you need to take you and your sloppy hair daughter elsewheres.

CATHY JO
Oh, I like you.

WAYNE
I mean it, ma’am. You’re ‘bout to piss me off real good.

CATHY JO
(digs in purse) How bout this? I got me one Andrew Jackson, a couple of unscratched Bingo Doublers, half a pack of Newport menthols, and some Tic Tacs. Orange ones. Any of those suit your fancy in exchange for a little info?

WAYNE
Gimmie the cash, cigs, and scratchers and you can squeeze 5 minutes, lady. But that’s it. No more.

CATHY JO
Her name is Dee Dee. Well, Diane, but she goes by Dee Dee. She’s 36. Lots of freckles but she covers those up with a smudge of Maybelline. A big seahorse tattoo on her shoulder. I was told she was running around with a fella by the name of Butchie. Heard he worked with your crew. Picked her up outside of Mobile. Do you know a Butchie?

WAYNE
Yeah, I know Butchie.

CATHY JO
You DO? Is he here? Can I talk to him?

WAYNE
Butchie got fired.

CATHY JO
Alrighty. That’s a start. Do you have an address for him? A favorite bar of his or something?

WAYNE
That’s all I got, lady.

CATHY JO
You gotta tell me more than that. You could win up to $5,000 on those scratchers, you know?

WAYNE
Well, I’ll tell ya one thing, any girl running ‘round with Butchie ain’t doing too hot.

CATHY JO
Whadda we talking? Ex-con? Drug slinger?

WAYNE
Shit. Butchie’s harmless. Just saying this Dee Dee picked one ugly ass mother fucker to run away with.

CATHY JO
So he doesn’t cook up meth or anything?

WAYNE
Oh, he cooks alright. Bakes pies.

CATHY JO
Lordy. Lordy. Guess that’s code for something.

WAYNE
Apple pies. He runs a fried apple pie truck. He’s a dipshit, but he sure as hell can make a tasty ass pie. If you can find his truck, you can find Butchie.

CATHY JO
You know, Dee Dee loves my homemade apple pie. I made it for her every birthday. I’m a real pro in the ol’ kitchy kitch. I worked the pizza dough counter at the Pizza Barn for 9 years. But I also got a real talent for the arts and crafts.

WAYNE
Yeah, I don’t need to hear about all that.

CATHY JO
I also make quilts, pillow shams, dust ruffles, you name it. I made this very outfit believe. it. or. not. Now, most women my age, they like fabrics with teddy bears and such. I like designs that are funky. You know, peace signs. And I’m certainly not one to turn my nose down to a good tie-dye.

WAYNE
Your five minutes is up.

CATHY JO
I even have a little side business. Widow quilts. You know, when some little old man passes on to be with the Good Lord, his widow will send me all his old clothes, ya see? And I patch em up together to make a nice comfy quilt that she can sleep with each night. Still feel close to him. I can do a real nice mix of denim, camo, corduroy, old Carhartts, you name it. Can even add a suede fringe. You know, if he had an old biker vest or whatnot.

WAYNE
Alright, lady, move it along.

CATHY JO
Well, if Dee Dee turns up around here or something, you could drop me a little email. Here’s my card. “Quilts by Cathy Jo.” My tagline is “JC might take their souls, but he lets you keep their clothes.”

WAYNE
(rejecting her card) Look, I told you all I know about your daughter. Go bother someone else?

CATHY JO
Well, what about you? No wedding ring, no wife. You got a girlfriend? A boyfriend, maybe? Hey, I’m progressive. My current sweetie used to be gay. Well, not real gay just, shopping around, I guess you’d say. Seeing what all the fuss is about. But he’s real good to me. Buys me gifts. Porcelain roosters.

WAYNE
Alright, if you’re not gonna leave, then I am.

CATHY JO
Oh, I’ve gone and screwed up your whole break. If you swear to save my place in line, I’ll go get you a big cold Mountain Dew. It’s not cutting if I’m doing something nice. I’ll even get ya an apple dumpling, too.

WAYNE
I don’t want no damn dumpling.

CATHY JO
Well, I insist. Um, what’s your tag say there? Wayne? Let me just run and grab ya a snack before your next shift starts. Whaddya want? Frito pie? Tornado Potato? Hot beef sundae?

CATHY JO walks away.

WAYNE yells out.

WAYNE
Don’t get me NOTHING! We’re done here, lady.

CATHY JO yells back.

CATHY JO
Okay. I’ll surprise ya.

WAYNE picks up his phone to make a call.

WAYNE
(in the phone) Well, shit. Looks like I just missed you. Dammit to hell. I’m real sorry, honey. I guess you’ve gone on to bed. I know I was supposed to call earlier and I tried. I really did. Got held up by this cooky gasbag pestering the tarnation out of me with her damn nonsense. Look, now, paycheck goes into the account tomorrow so, go on and pay the overdo bills first. Then we’ll see what’s left, I reckon. And I need you to promise me. Just promise me you won’t go back into his bedroom anymore this week. Leave it be, honey. It only upsets ya. Now, I’ll be back in about 8 days. We’re gonna get through this now, you hear me? Call me back in the morning.

He sees CATHY JO.

WAYNE (CONT)
Well, God Bless It. Here she comes again.

WAYNE hangs up his phone.

CATHY JO returns empty-handed.

CATHY JO
You’re not gonna believe this, Wayne. I stood in line and waited and waited and I was going to buy you all sorts of goodies but when I got up there to pay, I realized I gave you all my cash.

WAYNE
I said I don’t want anything,

CATHY JO
Well, is it time yet for you to open her back up? Oh, boy, I’m ready. It’s not often you get to feel like a refrigerator magnet. What kinda music you play in there anyway? Maybe I can request a little jazz.

WAYNE
Fuck no.

CATHY JO
You don’t like a little snazzy jazzy? Awe, you’re missing out, baby. What about some Tina? Will ya play me a little Tina Turner?

She dances badly and sings the wrong lyrics.

CATHY JO (CONT.)
What’s love got to do, got to do with it? Hmmm Hmmm, but a second heart in motion.

WAYNE
I play metal. Don’t like it? Don’t ride it.

CATHY JO
Hey, I can get down with a little Sabbath now and then. I can boogie to any ol’ tune.

WAYNE
There’s NO dancing on my Gravitron. I keep order on my ship.

CATHY JO
Well, kids will be kids. I’m sure they do handstands and all sorts of things.

WAYNE
(serious tone) I’ll give them 28 kinds of shit if they go and pull a stunt like that. These kids put their life in my hands. I’m sure as hell not gonna let some dirtbag’s monkey biz jeopardize the safety of the other riders.

CATHY JO isn’t listening. She’s scrolling through her phone.

CATHY JO
You know I got a cat who can smoke cigarettes?

CATHY JO shows WAYNE a photo on her phone.

WAYNE
No wonder your daughter doesn’t want to be found.

CATHY JO
(hands on hips) Well, that’s a real crummy thing to say, Wayne.

WAYNE
Well, if she’s not talking to ya, there’s gotta be a reason. Chasing her ass all over the damn country will only push her further away.

CATHY JO
Don’t you think I thought of that, Wayne? And what do you know anyway? You drive a spaceship all day. And in circles. Sure, I’ve screwed up. Sure, I forgot her at the JC Penny photo studio when she was three. Sure, I got her suspended in 6th grade with that pot brownie joke. Sure, I stole her ID for all that Sudafed I needed. But, things have changed. I’m a better person these days.

WAYNE
But you don’t listen to people, lady. You’ve got no boundaries. I’ve asked you 10 times to leave me the fuck alone and here you are. Still jabbering away.

CATHY JO
I guess you just don’t understand loneliness, Wayne.

WAYNE
Guess I don’t.

CATHY JO
Just wait. One of these days I’m gonna find my daughter and I’m going to make amends. We’re gonna drink some frozen pina coladas together, relaxing in our lawn chairs on the back porch. And we’re just gonna talk and talk and talk til the sun comes up. Bout every ol’ thing you can imagine.

WAYNE takes down the Closed sign.

WAYNE
Well, I hope that day comes for ya. Now move. You’re blocking the gate.

CATHY JO
You mean it’s finally time for the Gravitron?

WAYNE
(opens the ride’s door) Well, go on. Get in there. I’ll be in to start the ride after I take everybody’s ticket.

CATHY JO
Alrighty. I can’t wait. Remember, Tina Turner, Wayne. Just for me.

CATHY JO walks into the dark door. 

WAYNE
Hey?

CATHY JO turns back toward WAYNE.

CATHY JO
What?

WAYNE
Those quilts of yours. You ever do baby clothes?

CATHY JO
(taken aback) Yes. Yes, I do.

Beat.

CATHY JO (CONT)

I slipped one of my cards there in the pack of Newports. You contact me anytime, you hear?

WAYNE
Get in there. Ride’s about to start.

CATHY JO walks inside. Lights dim. Colorful strobe lights begin to flash as a Tina Turner song plays loudly.